Penn State University Class of 2016. This is my future. Starting at Harrisburg and transferring after 2 years to University Park. I’m very nervous for what the future holds. But I’m ready. I promise to stay true to myself. In other news, life has become quite interesting. I’m doing things that no one knows about and it feels great. No one to tell me how I’m supposed to feel. Just doing me. No regrets.

Everyone seems to think I’m happy, when in fact I’m miserable to the point where I feel the need to hide it.

I still love you so much. And I miss you dearly, but I refuse to go back to being used by you. I’m kind of lost. I’ve gotten used to your absence, but I still don’t know how to deal with it. Your phone is disconnected from what I heard so not like I could contact you. I refuse to ask anyone for your info. I’m kind of hoping you’ll come to me but I know that won’t ever happen. IiI’ll o guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that we are nothing but a memory. Forgotten memory in your case. Sigh.

Is it bad that I want you to love me again ? Is it bad that I just want to be in your arms ? Its sad how much I miss calling you mine. I love you. 

Why is finding a way to be happy without you so hard ? Why do I feel like there is no way ? Why am I so dependent ? Why won’t you just talk to me ? I need you. Sigh. :’(

Well he deleted me from his life. To him I never existed. And I don’t know what to do. I feel so fucking broken I can’t even cry. I’m just here sick to my stomach. I wish he would just stop this shit. Come back wrap me up in his arms and tell me he loves me. But that’s just asking for too much. The least I want is a friend. But he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t know why I had to be such a shitty person to drive him away. I love him so much. But according to him I’m nothing “special” but before I was. I just don’t understand. I feel so fucking broken. I don’t know if I can bounce back. I don’t think I want to. I honestly want to roll over close my eyes and never wake up again. I can’t see myself being happy again. And it sucks. If I knew by loving someone I would end up like this I wouldn’t of even fucking bothered. And I can’t talk to anyone about it because no one understands. I drove him away, and I don’t know how. It all just happened. I really didn’t piss him off on purpose. I didn’t hurt him on purpose. Oh great. Well here’s the tears. I can’t even say hi to him in school. He said he would “embarrass” me. How could you have possibly loved me so fucking but now want nothing to do with me ! How could he just tell me I’m his first real love, the greatest thing to ever happen to him but then the next day I’m shit I’m nothing. How could you wish you never met me ? Yes I was a bitch sometimes I was fucking mean sometimes I had a fucking flaw but I loved him with all my fucking heart ! I did everything for him ! I was always fucking there for him. I was amazing. Why can’t he see that ? Why is he stuck dwelling on the bad ? Why can’t he just get over it ! I’m trying not to be like that anymore. Now he says he wants me to be perfect. “Fix urself and then come back” he tells me I’m “not good enough” why spend so much fucking time with me if you didn’t think I was good enough !? I told him I can be mean ! I warned him ! Why put me through all of this shit ? How could he totally forget how much I loved him !? Ugh !!!!! Maybe I’m better off without him. Maybe its time I find someone who accepts me for me. But its so hard imagining life without him. But I guess I have no choice now.

I give up on trying to be happy. I give up on trying to deal with my problems. There’s no use. Things aren’t getting better, its just getting worse. Everyday I feel like I lose another part of me. Everyday I smile less, cry more. Its like, there is no going up from this point. I’ve hit rock bottom. I don’t know what else to do.

I never thought I’d be that girl. The kind of girl that falls head over heels for a guy. But I am. And for now I have no regrets. Am I scared ? Just a bit. This is all new for me but it feels great. Ever feel like things are finally getting better ? That’s how I feel. Finally those things I spent nights wishing for are finally happening for me. Its real. There is hope. My grades are improving. I’m almost happy. No. I am happy. Do I have some down days ? Of course. Is eveything perfect ? Never. But this is good enough. This is amazing. This is right. This is where I wanna be and where I want to stay for a while. And after all of this is said and done I might just be okay.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you just want to cry ? That’s what I’m feeling now, not because I’m sad, or angry, not even because I’m happy. Just this is the physical manifestation of these feelings. These emotions. Tears speak for me. I can’t bring the words to my mouth. i can’t explain it. But this is something. My heart is happy. I’m happy. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this happy. I don’t think I’ve ever been this comfortable. I’ve never wanted someone so much. Every moment spent thinking about that one person.  No one has ever genuinely cared about me this much. When he looks at me I can tell its real. I know he’s just not fooling me. He looks at me like I’m his everything. I’m so filled with emotion right now I think I might burst. This is what I’ve been looking for. This is what I dreamed about.This is what I spent countless wishes on. Its here. Right in front of me. Now, its up to me to make the most of it. 

Why did he have to say it ? Its messing with everything. I don’t know what to do. I feel so pressured. I feel like I have to feel the same or else. UGH !